Danger lurks in the most inconspicuous places

The one absolute truth we have in life is that we all have to die, somehow. Traveling around the world, one can become familiar with many different things that can end your life, from third world buses to drug dealers to war-related stuff to all sorts of fun diseases. Part of becoming a real world traveler involves becoming familiar with recognizing bad situations and knowing how to avoid them.

Serbs are a tough, tough people, the product of having survived a great many hardships over their turbulent history. Even today, you gotta be tough to make it in Belgrade. Serbs have had to be strong to deal with wild traffic, NATO bombings, depleted uranium, the wars in the 1990s, Milosevic and his thuggish regime, etc.

Of all the dangerous things in Serbia though, there is one that clearly towers above all else, the simple mention of which will send most Serbs into a cold sweat. The number one killer of Serbs is something so insinuous and devious that it had never even occurred to me to be aware of it before coming here. The most dangerous thing in Serbia is called promaja.

Mention just this word to Serbs and you will be sat down for a serious, serious talk. It is NOT a laughing matter. Promaja, I have been sternly informed on many occasions, can cause any number of horrendous ailments, from obliterating your ovaries (really worrisome for me) to causing crippling neck cricks to freezing your face in absolutely horrible disfigurement (stop laughing, that shit is for real!) to arthritis and blindness/deafness, along with quite a few other serious conditions (like the common cold). This comes from highly reliable scientific sources, I am repeatedly informed by wide-eyed locals. The Russians proved it.

The most tragic thing about promaja is that is occurs because of simple human negligence. You see, Serbs die when anyone is careless enough to leave open a window AS WELL as a door in a given room. The ensuing PROMAJA- possibly known as a draft in other parts of the world- will mercilessly melt the faces of any and all occupants inside. This is a rare occurrence here since people are educated about promaja, so much so that, thankfully, no one has ever actually SEEN a promaja victim, but trust, they’re out there and their plight is atrocious. You can be sure they wish they had paid closer attention to that draft…

I’m not sure if my life can ever be the same now that I’ve been properly trained in counter-promaja tactics. I’ll never be able to relax next to windows, car rides will become a paranoid window-watching exercise, I will have to constantly watch the doors in a room to make sure no air is flowing… I miss the days of blissful ignorance I enjoyed before coming to Serbia. Sometimes what you don’t know really can’t hurt you.

The only thing I can do now is write up this dire warning in the hope of saving my loyal readers from a horrible fate. Now ya know. Also, going outside with wet hair is playing Russian roulette with your life. You can all thank me for this life saving advice next time we meet (checks are also accepted).

A bientot